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play | Friendship + Dating |
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| August 12, 2008 |
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Dating after Divorce
by Ray Anderson
A recent divorce presents dating challenges for the newly-minted single.
Want a road map with 377,000 possible rest stops for the newly-minted single? Do a Google search on the phrase "dating after divorce" — it generates a veritable goldmine of statistics, strategies and shared experiences.
But according to at least one Madison area divorcee, no advice can quite prepare you for the lonely psychological reality of reentering the dating scene. "I felt like I was wearing a scarlet letter 'D' on my chest," reflects 37-year-old Maureen, a customer service supervisor with a Madison manufacturing firm.
Maureen found herself thrust back into a world she thought she'd left behind for good when her four-year marriage ended tumultuously in 2000. "You're marked as a failure," she says. "I felt I let myself down. I let my family down. I let his family down. And when I finally was out meeting people again, I looked at things a different way. Instead of considering getting into a relationship, I'd spot small faults and reasons to close up. I was protecting myself.
She returned to traditional outlets in the dating game: personal ads, blind dates and organized co-ed recreation. To her horror — and amusement — her divorcee status elicited a surprising reaction from many of the men she met. "As soon as they found out, I became more desirable. I think they were excited by the idea that I was a woman with a past, a woman with experience," she laughs. After two years "back on the market," she met and subsequently married a coworker, and the couple recently celebrated what she calls "a very happy" fifth wedding anniversary.
Still, Maureen admits to bearing noticeable scars from the fallout of her first marriage. "I'm much more conservative now," she explains. "I don't want to think that the fun, impulsive part of my personality is gone, but when you end up feeling like you made a terrible mistake on something as major as [a marriage], it stays with you. It affects the way I weigh things before making decisions now, and it always will."
While Maureen jokes that it sounds like something you'd find on a self-help Web site, her advice for finding emotional peace and rediscovering love comes from hard-won personal experience. "It may sound selfish, but you have to gain the confidence to think of yourself first," she notes. "It took many years for me to forgive myself for my divorce. Once that happened, I was open to whatever might come my way."
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