March 31, 2009

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You've Been Warned: 5 First-Date Red Flags

I believe in the quote "love is blind" is whole-heartedly, but a little differently than most. I find most people blindly look for love, hoping to "bump" into the right person. They look for the instant connection and attraction. That's fine, but it's not the stuff healthy relationships are made of. It's great if you have chemistry and both like Kevin Smith movies, but if you aren't aware of the other important stuff — core values, beliefs, deal breakers — you'll probably wake up one day realizing that you've wasted your time.

I am not the dating fairy who can sprinkle magic dust and show you what your relationship will be like five, 10 or 25 years down the line. But by keeping your eyes open, you'd be surprised how much you can learn about a person without spending the next six months in a questionable relationship. In fact, with a little know how, you can learn a lot on the very first date. Here are five red flags you can watch for on the first date to discover if a person has real dating potential.

Debbie or Denny Downer Syndrome
These are the great people, but just have been dealt a "bad hand," so to speak. They work so hard at work, yet no one notices or appreciates them. Life is always so tough.

I am getting depressed just writing this. We all know at least a few of these people — the constant victims in their own lives, the people who never get a break. Listen, we all have bad days and bad situations. But people who truly suffer from the "downer syndrome" are probably making choices that are keeping them unhappy. Not only will their negativity rub off on you, it's exhausting spending all of your time listening to their problems and telling them it will get better soon. If they can't figure out how to solve these problems, then they aren't going to offer much to a healthy relationship (and even less when you have an occasional bad day).

The Overachievers
These people love their jobs. When they aren't putting in 80 hours each week at work, they're working just as hard on a side business or project. They purchase houses to flip while training three hours each day for a marathon. In fact, it takes them two weeks just to schedule a date.

In this scenario, there's a point that you need to wave your arms and say, "Excuse me, but where would I fit in?" You need to be sure that they can make relationships a priority. Healthy relationships are for people with balanced lives. It is very important that your date has friends, goals and passions. But if this person doesn't have time for dating, he or she isn't going to have time for you and a real relationship.

Anger Management Needed
In high school, I worked at local tourist attraction. I still remember the day a man started screaming and swearing at me for no apparent reason and demanded I take him to the exit. When we came to the exit, he turned his anger to someone who actually had authority and continued to scream. His wife then came over and apologized to me. I looked at her and said very politely, "No Ma'am, I feel sorry for you, because if he acts like that to a stranger, then how does he treat you?"

I know, I was cheeky even at 17. This is a classic red flag ignored time and time again. If she is yelling at the waiter over her meal or if he is rude to coffee shop employee, you can safely peek into what the future might be like. Unless you want to constantly apologize for your spouse's rude behavior, run — don't walk — in the other direction.

Ex Trash Talker
She was absolutely crazy. He was a total jerk. Okay, I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that it was true. However, if they chose to date those people for an extended period of time, it was a choice they made. If the ex was really so bad, why did they even start dating anyway? As my grandma always said, "it takes two to tango." If they let those people into their lives and then stuck around, something just isn't right.

Shifty Eyes
Even before I became a dating coach, I always thought it was a little odd when people never made eye contact. Now that I have studied body language, I realize just how important eye contact is to building a connection. I realize people can get nervous, but there could be many reasons why someone can't make eye contact. Many people think shifty eyes mean a person is lying, which could be true. It also indicates that your date isn't comfortable in his or her skin. Confidence is extremely important if you are looking to build a relationship.

Most importantly, if you notice a sneaking feeling of disappointment or find yourself uncomfortable about some of the things your date is saying, listen to it. That's your body being your very own dating coach.

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